It’s almost inevitable with social media; we see people around us showcasing their seemingly perfect relationships with their parents. TikTok’s being made, perfect Instagram photos being taken. Then we look to our family, and while we may feel ‘okay’ about our family relationships and dynamics, we can find ourselves wondering why it is not seemingly as good as those around us.
I mean, Addison Rae has a weekly podcast with her mom. Can you imagine? Maybe you can, and that’s okay. And maybe you can’t, and that is also okay.
So much goes into our family dynamics and relationships; generational traumas, family secrets, so on and so forth. No family is made the same, and certainly no family is made perfect.
I hear so often from my clients things along the line of “I’m just working so hard to create a better relationship”, or, “If I keep doing X, Y, or Z, I think it will make our family better.”
My response is always the same; why are you shouldering the load of your entire family dynamic?
As adults, there comes a time where we have to look at our parents and ask ourselves what we truly expect from that relationship.
Usually the conversation goes something like this;
“What is it that you want from your parents?”
“Are they able to give that to you?”
“So given that, is what you want from them truly something they can give you, right now, as things are at face-value?”
If our parents are unable to give us something within the relationship that we are yearning for, it is not because they don’t love us, or they are less than. They are human. Just like we are. They come with their own baggage and history and they, like us, are literally doing the best they can.
(and unfortunately therapy was not always as widely accepted for our parent’s generation)
As we grow, change, and shift, we have to expect that our parents are doing the same. It is a great reflection to take part in to ask yourself those three questions above when you find yourself wishing your family relationships were different, or better.
Sure, we see these showcases of perfect relationships all around us, but we can’t necessarily believe that is the whole of the relationship. Nobody and nothing is perfect.
Imagine the weight being lifted off of you when you stop shouldering the responsibility of improving family dynamics, forcing traditions, forcing the kind of open communication that you are searching for.
The good news? If we come to the conclusion that maybe we are not able to obtain those things from our parents, we are adults, and we can provide those things to ourselves. Through our own romantic relationships, friendships, and self-work, we can provide those things we feel like we are lacking. In all honesty, we never really have to lack; we just pull from different areas.
So, I ask of you, what is it that you want from your parents, and are they able to give that to you?
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