You may have heard the phrase “re-parenting ourselves”. But what does that really mean?
Re-parenting ourselves typically takes place in early adulthood when we start to realize uncomfortable or nonsustaining feelings; inadequacy, difficulty getting into or staying in relationships, so on and so forth. Of course we don’t want to feel this way forever. And luckily for us, we are in the era of therapy, and can finally start to feel comfortable seeking therapy for something like this.
How did we even get to a point where we need to learn to re-parent ourselves? Let’s face it; our parents did the best they could with what they had. Meaning, sometimes our parents, with their wonderful intentions, are repeating patterns that they, themselves, have experienced growing up, even if they did not produce positive results. As adults, we can practice re-parenting our inner child to give ourselves things we have lacked in childhood.
I typically guide my own clients through exploring the need to re-parent by asking two questions:
- What do you feel you lack right now as an adult? (feeling heard, feeling understood, a steady relationship, etc.)
- How would you like to receive those things? (having someone to just listen to me, having someone tell me they understand, having a positive relationship, etc)
In taking into consideration that it took probably 20+ years to learn these maladaptive behaviors, it is going to take some time to implement some more healthy, beneficial ones. Be patient with yourself during this process!
Here are some tips on how to begin this process. As always, reach out to a trusted friend or a therapist if you would like some accountability or help in this process.
- Acknowledge that this may not be a linear process. There will be good days and bad, and always remember to reflect on your progress.
- Ask yourself at least once each day, “What do I need right now/in this moment?”
- Then, GIVE YOURSELF what you need. Do you need to call in a friend? Do you need to reflect or meditate on why you are feeling a particular way? Do you need to practice gratitude in order to feel joy? Allow yourself the space to give yourself exactly what you need in the moment, no strings attached.
- Continue this process, and continue the self reflection.
- As always, appreciate that your parents did the best they could given what they had.
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