Sobriety in an Age of Mommy-Wine
Hey ladies! Let’s meet up at my place Thursday night for an hour or two, and I can tell you all about my side business. There will be wine…. LOTS of wine! Snacks, friends, fun, and wine! Who’s in?
I read the message. Then read it again.
Not long after, an acquaintance sent me a text to ask if I was going. “I’m not driving. I’ll just walk home. Or have my husband come pick me up if walking is too difficult!”
There are a multitude of reasons why people choose not to drink.
A family history of alcoholism, medication that isn’t compatible with drinking, chronic health issues that are made worse by alcohol, a desire to get healthy, not liking the feeling of losing control, or a personal experience with alcoholism or addiction.
My health has been monumentally better since quitting almost four years ago. And I had quit several times before that, only to start again. Thinking drinking might be different, this time.
Quitting is easy. Staying stopped is the hard part.
Especially when we live in an era that encourages drinking. Drinking = fun! If we’re trying to have a good time, we should be drinking. Right?
I remember the first day of my honeymoon, sitting in the pool at an island resort, cozied up to the bar. I asked for a club soda.
“Soda WITH vodka?”
I assured him, that, “No, just the soda with lime, please. I’m not drinking any alcohol.”
The bartender scrunched his face, snickered and said, “NOT drinking? Well then what are you doing HERE?”
As if being in a beautiful place wasn’t enough. Enjoying the food, and the company, and the relaxation wasn’t enough. I was expected to drink while staying at an all-inclusive resort.
Drinking Socially?
Over the last few years, I’ve brought up to my husband how mothers encourage other mothers to drink socially, and how I see it affecting women.
Hard day? Have a glass of wine!
Kids driving you crazy? Have a bottle when they go to bed!
Book club meeting? Wine!
Lunch? Drinks!
Kids have a sippy cup? Here’s Mommy’s sippy cup! Fill it up with your favorite alcoholic beverage!
My husband told me it sounded more like his college experiences than ones he was used to now. Friends might say, “Hey, want a drink?” And he could answer, “Sure, I’ll take a water.” And no one would say anything about it.
He even had a hard time believing the “mommy-drinking” culture
Until I pointed out experiences we had together, and showed him invitations and messages from people I knew. I reminded him of our real estate agent, while showing us a house with a steep driveway we weren’t fond of, saying to me, “Imagine this. You’re waiting out there at the top of the driveway for the school bus. Holding your first glass of wine before you have to deal with the kids. Or second glass or whatever. Who’s judging!” Needless to say, her “mom-sips-wine” tactic didn’t sell us on the “too-steep for normal-usage, not to mention day-drinking” driveway house.
I told him I’ve been pressured to change what I’m drinking. Dismayed distant friends have said, “What? No. You need an actual drink. Have ONE with us! You don’t drink? Why NOT?”
Fortunately, I surround myself with people who typically don’t ask me “why,” and wouldn’t care anyway. Because they enjoy my company regardless.
Not everyone in the room needs to imbibe for the drinkers to feel okay with their drinking. Sometimes, that’s the issue. An individual so desperately wants everyone to partake, because then her own problematic drinking isn’t so obvious. Or the idea of gathering and socializing is so synonymous with drinking, it feels wrong when someone declines.
For me, not having constant migraines and stopping daily prophylactic migraine meds has made sobriety worth-while. My mental health is better. Additionally, my sleep has improved. Furthermore, my new coping-mechanisms to unwind and relax tend to be healthier and often involve the outdoors. (And yes, there is chocolate involved, but I’m okay with that). I don’t want to go back.
Not everyone has the same experience
And that’s okay. Some people drink a few times a year or a few times a month and are just fine. They don’t feel worse every time they drink, like I did. But if you find yourself drinking more than you’d like or feel negative effects from drinking and want to cut down or quit, it’s possible.
Even at a time when we’re bombarded with advertising that alcohol is, “the solution to Mommy’s stress.”
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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