A Backstory…
Several months ago, I had a friend that shared an interaction with her significant other. It went something like this:
I’m so frustrated with my boyfriend! I sat down to eat a meal I’d just made for myself. He was sitting across from me at the table, playing a video game. I asked him to toss me a kitchen towel for a little spill. He reached behind him and grabbed the dog’s towel off the chair next to him and THROWS the towel at me! It landed in my food! When I said “toss” I meant HAND the towel over. How would he not know that? At that point there was so much dog hair in my food I couldn’t eat it. I fed it all to the dog. I kept sighing loudly, thinking he would get the hint that I was mad at him, but NOTHING! Why is he so annoying?
I couldn’t help but think…
What if she had said what she meant?
Would things have happened differently?
This person expected her significant other to mindread, and didn’t have his full attention before talking to him.
Yikes, I’ve done this, too
I know I’ve used mindreading before!
First: My husband fails to carry garbage downstairs. I didn’t explicitly ask or tell him to do it.
Second: He fails to notice the garbage I’ve left in the hallway, walks past it, and leaves for work.
Third: I’m annoyed he didn’t carry the garbage downstairs. When he detects I’m annoyed he asks, “what’s wrong?”
Fourth: I refuse to tell him what I’m annoyed about. I think he should inherently know.
CAN YOU RELATE?
I do my best not to do this anymore. But it took work!
It takes work
My husband recently admitted that he hadn’t shared test results with me. I’d assumed he hadn’t gotten them yet.
In fact, he’d gotten them two weeks prior.
Initially I felt hurt and dismissed.
Why wouldn’t he share that with me? Didn’t he trust me?
I sat in hurt feelings for a few minutes before I said anything. Then told him what I was feeling and asked why he wouldn’t share it with me.
He said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. The results weren’t what we were hoping for. I know we both wanted different news, and I’m getting another test in four weeks, and thought I’d tell you those results, then.”
I realized his lack of communication came from a decent place. He was trying to protect me from bad news.
I told him, “Please don’t keep test results from me. I like to know. And that’s a burden for you to carry it alone. You don’t have to. Share it with me.”
Maybe..
People might keep details from each other because they think it’s in the other person’s best interest. But that isn’t anyone’s job (unless you are the guardian of a child or a person who needs assistance navigating difficult information).
We already know about:
-Expecting those close to us to mindread.
-Keeping part of the truth or the entire truth a secret to protect others.
Why else do we not say what we mean?
-We aren’t aware of what we’re doing. We’ve always communicated this way, and don’t recognize it as an issue WE need to change.
-We say what we wish to be true.
-We aren’t saying the truth because we want to be hurtful.
-We’re distracted by what’s around us and didn’t hear what was said or remember what was said.
-We attach our own feelings and insecurities onto conversations. We avoid saying things to others that would hurt us if we heard them.
If you feel like you aren’t being heard, aren’t hearing someone else well, or a conversation isn’t working, try to stop and:
-Listen to what the other person is saying. Pay full attention. Put away or remove yourself from other distractions.
-Ask that all people agree to be fully honest.
-Use direct language rather than skirting around a topic or expecting the other person to figure out what you really mean.
-Take turns speaking. Listen when someone else is speaking.
-Be sure you understand each other. Reiterate what the other has said before moving on.
-Stay in the moment- don’t divert attention from the topic at hand.
Being direct, honest, and saying what you mean is incredibly helpful in avoiding miscommunication and arguments. Try it!
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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