It’s Hard to Make Friends
If you’re like me, you’ve felt the pangs of loneliness over the course of the last few years. Covid has made it hard to connect with people like we used to. If you were wishing you had more close friends before 2019, you’ve most likely struggled more with stress, overwhelm, and sadness since then.
I was feeling lonely and alone years before the pandemic started. I’d made some big life changes, moved to a new house in a new place, and was already overwhelmed meeting the unique needs of my children and their busy therapy schedules.
As adults, we don’t have spontaneous opportunities to create friendships with new people like children and young adults do. They have school (several hours of daily contact), sports, clubs, activities, and playdates planned by parents.
Fortunately..
I started working on making friends a few years in advance of the pandemic. And I worked on friendships like I work on other hard things.
Behaviorists say, “making friends is hard. But not because you’re inherently awkward or weird or out of style.”
Well, guess what?
I AM awkward. And weird. And frequently out of style. But that’s okay. Because the people I relate to can also be awkward. Or just not care about those things.
Not to mention, reaching out to people as an adult feels awkward, right?
How do you even try to make friends?
Do you see someone at your child’s school you’d connect with, and ask for their phone number? Give them yours? Announce you are now “Best Friends Forever!” like your child might do?
Sure!
Although announcing you are best friends to someone you’ve just met might be coming on a little strong.
According to The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, it takes about 50 hours of your time to create a casual friendship with someone new. And about 200 hours to make a close friend.
And as adults, we have responsibilities that take up most of our time.
When do we find the time to make and keep friends?
Do you feel overwhelmed yet? Don’t!
I’ll help you figure this thing out.
Like other important things in life, view opportunities to create friendships as a priority.
Here are a few suggestions from Reader’s Digest:
-If you have children, use opportunities involving your kids to have conversations with other parents. Don’t focus on the parents already engaged with one another, having conversations, creating friendships. Friendship and conversation with strangers comes easier for some people.
-Ask a parent a question about school or activities. It might be the only time you have a conversation with this person. OR it might open up the door to more conversations and a friendship.
-Join a book club.
-Search out people through social media that are interested in activities you enjoy.
-Make a post saying you’d like to make new friends, where you are located, the age of your children, (if you have any), your interests, and when and where you’d like to meet up. If you’d rather meet online using Zoom or Facebook Messenger, say so.
-Volunteer a few hours a week.
-Ask old friends to introduce you to new ones.
-Introduce yourself to neighbors, even if you’ve been in your house several months or even years. Search for neighborhood groups online you can join. Attend neighborhood events if you have any.
-Get physical. Whether that includes a dog, taking up bike riding, hiking, walking, or running, taking a group class or joining a gym (if you are comfortable with that right now), seek out people who are interested in the same activity as you.
– Ask people you like/have common interests with/feel a connection to, to do something together. Ask to get a cup of coffee with a day and time in mind. Ask to go for a walk outside at a park. Ask to get your children together.
Personally, I:
-Joined a few groups online for special interests I have. While I haven’t met anyone in person and I haven’t made any close friends, I have found some outlets and places I feel comfortable to share what’s going on.
-Reached out to someone who posted that she felt lonely and wanted to make new friends (she created a coffee drinking group for moms that now has hundreds of members and I’ve made a handful of friends from it).
-Started texting a few acquaintances I liked but didn’t know well enough to call friends. These “text buddies” have become some of my best friends over the course of the pandemic and have helped me to maintain my mental health.
-Started conversations with parents of my children’s friends. I’ve even handed out my phone number a few times, as awkward as it felt in the moment.
-Joined a local book club.
-Stayed after kid’s activities when I was asked by other parents to stay. There were times (especially this Summer, after swimming lessons at the lake, with a brand-new puppy), that I wanted to get right home. But like anything else, building new relationships takes time and work.
These changes might sound like a lot, but I implemented them over the course of more than a year. I realized the importance of friendships and put in time and effort to maintain them.
If you want to make friends, you can’t wait for people to magically appear before you. The opportunities to spontaneously make close friendships decreases with age. Take advantage of potential relationships already available. Create new opportunities. Friendships are incredibly important to our health and well-being.
Friends are worth the work!
https://www.rd.com/list/how-to-make-friends-as-an-adult/
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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