Although there are plenty of signs of emotional or mental abuse, they are not as outwardly apparent as physical abuse, and can be harder to see when you are in the midst of it.
The photo above demonstrates a ‘typical’ cycle of abuse. This can be physical, emotional, or mental abuse. In short, things begin calm, seemingly normal, and slowly escalate to the tension building stage. This will typically lead to an incident; whether a fight or conflict, stone-walling, or other negative incident. Following the incident, the relationship moves into the Honeymoon phase, where the abusive partner is overly nice, empathetic, caring, giving, and loving. This part of the cycle often covers up the tension and incident that occurred with signs of affection and promises of change.
As mentioned, while they are not always clear or apparent, there are subtle signs to look for within a relationship if you are feeling it is toxic:
- always walking on eggshells to manage or avoid your partner’s moods
- feeling uneasy, nauseous, or anxious around your partner, even when things are seemingly going well
- feeling like you and your partner are always fighting, bickering, or in conflict
- feeling everything is dramatic all of the time
- feeling your partner wants you all to themselves, all of the time
- feeling there is a scorecard in the relationship (and you are never winning)
- feeling your partner stonewalls you (a form of manipulation by ignoring)
- feeling it is easier to isolate from friends and family than to deal with the backlash from your partner
- being called selfish or inconsiderate for asking for what you want or need
- being made to feel like you are imagining problems
- feeling your partner withholds attention or affection as a form of punishment
- feeling your partner excessively blames you
- being on the receiving end of constant criticism, sarcasm, or harsh tones
Subtle, right? Often in relationships where emotional or mental abuse is present, there is an element of gaslighting. An example of this would be sharing with your partner that you are feeling constantly criticized, isolated from your friends, or made to feel like your feelings do not matter. In response, your partner will tell you how crazy you are, how it is all in your head, or how you are not taking responsibility for your own problems. This is Gaslighting 101! It makes you feel crazy, get in your own head, place blame, etc.
So you have read through the list, and you are probably feeling one of two things;
- Phew, this doesn’t feel like it is going on in my relationship
- Oh sh*t, I feel these things so deeply and regularly
If you are the latter, there are some things you can do.
Confide in a family or friend about what is going on. I am willing to bet you have kept these issues fairly quiet among your family and friends. Now is a good time to break that silence and share what you are feeling.
Talk to your partner about your concerns. If you feel it is safe to do so, this is a great starting point. It also may demonstrate your partner’s ability or willingness to hear you out and/or take steps to change.
Find a good therapist. You shouldn’t have to walk through this path alone, and it can feel like a total mindf*ck. Find a therapist who has experience with relationships, domestic violence, or abuse. They will be your greatest ally.
Use the Domestic Violence hotline. 1-800-799-7233. There are professionals available 24/7 to chat with.
As a reminder, always call 911 if you feel you are in immediate danger with your partner.
Click here for more information on trauma treatment.
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