For many, the past six, ten, twelve, or fourteen months have been filled with a surprise engagement, followed by an engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor party, wedding planning, etc., etc. Many people delight in others’ happiness and bliss during these times, but it is possible to think we often overlook the comments and messages that engaged couples receive that are inappropriate, unjustified, and sometimes downright nasty.
Over the course of fourteen months, and even on a wedding day, awkward conversations revolving people’s failed marriages are fielded. Once finding out that someone is engaged, some individuals can not help but let them know exactly how they feel about marriage.
“OH, MARRIAGE, I tried that a few times”
“You won’t be in this bliss for long”
“Whew, good luck”
“This can be such a stressful time, but the hope is that you only have to do it once”
Throughout the whole process, many cannot help but think, ‘what makes a person think it’s okay to say these things to a couple looking to make this next step together?’ Were past generations so jaded by love, commitment, and monogamy that they had to tell anyone who would listen?
According to the American Psychological Association, 40%-50% of marriages end in divorce. The rate is even higher for those who give marriage a try for a second time. This is an intense statistic, and one that loses it’s zing from being thrown around so much. Even so, many can’t help but feel for all of those to follow that these things will continue to be said to them.
So how much impact do others’ words have? We’ve all heard phrases such as “words cut deeper than knives” and so on and so forth. But what about the passive nature that things, such as these marital cautions, can carry? There may be times that couples have had passing thoughts secondary to these far-out statements; some may wonder if there was some secret switch of people that happened after they got married, or if people actually knew what was ahead of them as much as they tried to persuade them that they did. Considering the amount of weddings we see on social media, are invited to, or are a part of, it is apparent that at the end of the day, people’s words weren’t as strong as people’s own convictions and beliefs towards each other and towards the sanctity of marriage.
I could not help but to sit on these occurrences that many clients have shared throughout their engagements and in the early days of marriage. I should note, many of their early days of marriage have been filled with the same, if not more, love and friendship than the days before marriage. Per many client reports, there was no magic switch of unhappiness, dread, and despair, and no hidden future that they wished they would have heeded warnings about. It is as simple as two people continuing to find solace in each other, support each other, and make each other’s lives just a bit better than they already are.
So why are people, and organizations, taking this very loud stance on something that has historically held such a high stature in society? The biggest topic to equate this to is the projection of people’s insecurities. Insecurities are a funny thing. An insecurity is defined as “an uncertainty or anxiety about oneself, lack of confidence” (www.vocabulary.com). When it really comes down to it, humans are not proud of their failures. Sure, we can take these failures and, through learning and acceptance, make it something great, but at the end of the day, humans are not wired to try at something, invest in something, and then be confident, bold, and specific in their recounting of said-failure. So, as humans, do we deal with these failures in a healthy manner, utilizing all of our learned coping skills and life experiences? Sometimes yes, but also sometimes, definitely not. That is where the projection can come in.
Psychological projection is essentially when an individual pushes their problems outward instead of dealing with them within themselves. So when it all comes down to it, the behaviors, conversations, and attitudes experienced in my couples’ happy, exciting, and sometimes confusing months of pre-marital blissed were explained by one thing; the ease of people taking the stance that “it is not me that failed, it is my marriage that failed”.
That wonderful, convenient manner of blaming the marriage for failing. Logistically, a marriage is just a thing that is made up of two people. Two humans. Two humans with personalities, experiences, knowledge, attitudes, and beliefs. And two humans that everyday make the conscious decision to work it out or walk away.
As the millennial generation, the next generation, and generations to come make the decision to enter into marriage with their lifelong partners, their best friends, the person they love most in this world, we hope they can continue to remember as my clients do that when things fail, or when things are the best they can be, it is not the marriage, but the people within the marriage who are making it that way. Be the person who is supportive, patient, kind, and hopeful. Be the person who persists through the bad and thoroughly enjoys the good. Be a husband, a wife, and a friend.
Most of all, be aware that your success as a human will not diminish due to the experiences of those around you.
We know, almost for certain, that no one who tries to partake in these marital precautions mean any ill. We like to truly believe humans are inherently good. It is possible, though, to think that humans become broken over time and grasp for ways to cope. No one can blame people for that. After all, hate does not solve hate. I truly hope people who are utilizing projections to deal with their insecurities find peace within themselves. After all, aren’t we all searching for a little peace?
