It can be difficult seeing a loved on going through a difficult time. It can be even more difficult feeling like we are unable to understand or help them through it.
Here are some beginner tips to get started in supporting and helping those we love through anxiety:
Educate yourself on anxiety: It is important to start at the beginning. What is anxiety, how does it manifest, and what do people experience as they go through these feelings? There are some great resources to check out, such as SAMHSA, Psychology Today, and NAMI. A quick google search of any of these will bring up an abundance of resources and reading materials.
Ask how they want to feel supported: It is easy to assume that people want to be supported in a particular way, but that is certainly not always the case. Ask if they would like to vent to you about what they are going through, or if they are looking for feedback from you. Ask when they want to be left alone versus when they want some company. Ask if they want to engage in an activity, or if they simply want you to be present. Not only are they supported in a way they want and is helpful, but you know exactly what your role is in these situations.
Gently help with their perspective: If they are looking for feedback, asking questions such as ‘what is the worst that could happen’, ‘what is the best that could happen’, or ‘what is most realistic or likely to happen’ can draw some perspective on what they are feeling. Anxiety is a funny thing that often leads to abandoning all realistic perspective, and being gently reminded of this can be helpful.
Balance your role of being supportive but not solving problems: Remind yourself that being there is often enough. Do not take on the burden of solving all of their problems. Although it may feel helpful and like a quick solution to how they are feeling, that can often bring about more feelings of insecurity, frustration, or worry.
Assist with getting them help if needed or requested: Keep in mind the ‘if needed or requested aspect of this’. If your loved one is not in the mindset to seek or receive help, it may not be a good idea to push this (unless, of course, you feel like they are a danger to themselves or others, then call 911). If they are seeking help, offer to call some therapists in their area or covered by their insurance, or ask what other ways may be helpful for them to receive help.
Listen without judgement: Sometimes we may not understand or agree with the thought process of someone who is struggling with anxiety. That is okay. You do not have to understand in order to be helpful. Listen without judgement, and try not to question every thought process or feeling they have.
Remind them that they are not a burden: It is difficult to ask for help, and it is difficult to share vulnerable feelings that may be perceived as irrational or ‘crazy’. These gentle reminders can mean the world and help to continue to build trust between you and your loved one.
Be patient if they do not respond right away: Sometimes they may just need space, or may not have the physical or emotional energy to get back to you right away. Try not to take it personally, and practice your own patience in allowing them the space they need to recharge.
Help with tasks that are overwhelming: Different tasks can feel overwhelming for different people and at different stages of their anxiety. If you notice a task that they have been putting off or keep saying they need to do but just can’t, offer to help the best way you can. It may be making a phone call, paying a bill, or even taking their dog outside. This help can be a huge alleviation of worry for them.
Being Helpful During Conversation
Sometimes we find ourselves not knowing what to say when present with our loved ones during a time of anxiety. Here are some examples of reframes of what you may want to say, and ways to say it to be received in a better way:
Instead of: I know exactly how you are feeling
Try this: I’m always here for you
Instead of: Have you tried X, Y, or Z?
Try this: What can I do to help?
Instead of: Are you okay?
Try this: Let’s go for a walk/talk/watch a movie
Instead of: Why aren’t you seeing a therapist?
Try this: I’m worried about you.
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