Using Kind Language with Someone Who’s Grieving
It can be hard to know what to say to someone in emotional pain.
We’re in a time right now when so many of us are grieving. The changes we’ve endured the last two years: Illnesses and deaths, worry about the future for ourselves and the future for our loved ones, changes in school, work, schedules, and access to socialization.
Most of us thrive on the ability to expect what comes next. Living without a sense of knowing what the future entails can be incredibly difficult.
For those who experienced an illness or a loved one’s passing, COVID protocols dictated our ability to choose when and how we could be with each other.
Grief is an emotional response to a loss or major change in one’s life.
Whether expected or unexpected.
Have you ever been in a difficult emotional space and had someone say to you, “Don’t worry! Everything is going to be okay!” But in that moment, you truly believe nothing may turn out okay?
Why would a person say something like that? That, “Everything would be fine!”
Did it make you feel all better?
Most likely not.
Chances are, it made you feel invalidated.
When someone says, “Things will be fine” or “You’ll be fine” amid trauma, or severe stress, or being overwhelmed, we tend to feel as if we aren’t being heard.
The person listening may very well be trying to make themselves feel better by saying this.
Have you ever felt less stressed when someone told you to, “Calm down.”
Probably not!
Similarly, when someone tells us that everything will be fine amid our world crumbling, (or the perception that our world is crumbling), we feel worse.
Once, when I was having a particularly hard day, an acquaintance said to me, “Things could be worse!”
Absolutely. Things COULD be worse. They could ALWAYS be worse. But how I was feeling in that very moment was completely invalidated. Should I have been thinking about starving children in a third world country instead of my own problems? Would that solve a hunger crisis? Would that solve my own issues?
No. It solved neither. And I felt worse. More so, I felt guilty for voicing my struggles. Even feeling selfish.
I would never want to make someone else feel that way.
If we’re listening to another share their grief, their struggles, their overwhelming feelings, what should we refrain from saying?
So, how do we respond?
-If you don’t know how the person feels about a Higher Power, it’s best not to mention one. Saying “This is all God’s plan,” or “They are with God now,” can be very hurtful to the person if they don’t believe in a God. Or if they disagree with God’s planning. Try not to speak for your Higher Power when talking to a grieving person.
-If you don’t understand or relate to what the person is going through, don’t guess how it may feel.
-If you do understand how the person is feeling because you have personal experience with the same situation, offer to discuss it with them, if they’re feeling up to it, when they are ready.
-Don’t tell the person you wish it could be you instead of them, or that you wish you could take all their pain away. You can’t! And saying most likely doesn’t make the person grieving feel better. Although it may make YOU feel better.
-In the moment, LISTEN.
-If you don’t know what to say, you don’t need to say anything.
If you want to say something but are tongue-tied, try these:
“I’m thinking about you right now.”
“I see you’re in pain and I’m sorry.”
“I’m here for you if you want to talk or need anything.”
“I see things are overwhelming right now. And that’s okay. I’ll be by tonight with dinner.” And then come through with dinner!
Acts of kindness are an excellent way to show someone you care
It can show you are thinking about them, and see that they are grieving.
Asking a person what they need may be too overwhelming in the moment. Instead, either offer to provide help with something, or better yet just do it! Take their children for an hour. Walk their dog. Drop off meals. Do their laundry. Run errands. Whatever you know would be helpful to that person.
Sitting with someone shows care. We tend to want to fill space with conversation when there is more than one person in the room. But speaking isn’t necessary when one person is in pain. Just being present is more than enough.
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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