You are looking to take the wonderful leap into therapy, or maybe you have been going to therapy but are wondering if it is a good fit between you and your therapist. How do we know if we are choosing a good therapist, and what makes our therapist a good fit for us?
Relationships are built on trust, transparency, and a genuine connection. The relationship with your therapist is no different.
The Beginning Stages
In the beginning stages of looking for a therapist, chances are you are searching online directories, such as Psychology Today, Needing Therapy, or Open Path if you are looking for sliding-scale options. These directories typically share a blurb about each potential therapist, as well as a photo, and some information about their theoretical orientation. Let’s talk about how to dissect this information;
Therapist Photos: Therapist photos should feel warm and inviting. If you find yourself having some sort of visceral reaction to a photo, or aren’t feeling an immediate sort of connection to a photo (c’mon, dating apps are basically based on a quick swipe of a photo, we know what we are looking for), you may not be able to build a good connection with that person. Transference is a real thing, and if you are feeling like the potential therapist reminds you of someone, there is a real chance this will be difficult to overcome. But, let’s not be shallow here. There is much more to a therapist than their one photo on the directory.
Theoretical Orientation: This is basically a fancy way to say ‘counseling style’. Many therapists will tell you they use a hybrid of styles and approaches, which is totally accurate; there is no one-size-fits-all approach to therapy, and I’m not sure you would want a therapist who pigeon-holes you into one approach of therapy. Theoretical Orientations are long and sometimes boring, so let’s review cliff notes:
- Art-therapy: If you’re artistic, find yourself drawing, making music, or taking part in any other art form, and feel that you will best be able to express yourself and work through your treatment goals through art, then a therapist with an art-therapy background may be a great fit for you.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: If you are feeling that your thoughts are really controlling and driving your behaviors, and not in an ideal or productive way, this may be a good fit for you. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT, focuses on changing your thoughts and therefore changing your behaviors that follow.
- Behavioral or Solutions-Focused Therapies: If you want to skip over everything in your past and truly focus on the here-and-now, these may be good fits for you.
- Narrative Therapy: If you find yourself journaling or writing through streams of consciousness, and feel that this would better help you process through things, narrative therapy may be a good fit.
- Family Systems Therapy: If you are looking to work on all things family dynamics and interactions, a therapist well-versed in family systems therapy will certainly be a good fit for you.
This is a very condensed and simple explanation of theoretical orientations, and you could certainly look more into any of these if you have further questions about how they play into therapy. But for now, this will help when navigating the orientations listed on each therapist’s directory.
General Information Listed: Each directory should have a lengthy blurb written by each therapist describing their ideal client, their experience, and what they bring to the table as a therapist. This is a great wealth of knowledge as far as the initial stages of being heard and understood; do you feel like the therapist understands and is speaking to what you are going through? Are you feeling confident that the therapist has worked with other clients similar to you?
Consultations: Some people love consultations, and some people could do without, so we’re going to touch on it just in case it does speak to you. Many therapists will offer a 15-20 minute consultation, and many therapists offer this for free. This is typically done over the phone but could also be done via a Skype-like software so that you can see each other as well (therapists practicing online will typically offer this). If a free consultation is offered and you have the time, it certainly does not hurt to have one. During this consultation, the therapist will inquire what is bringing you to therapy and what you are hoping to gain from therapy, as well as sharing a bit about themselves as a therapist. This is another great opportunity to pay attention to how you are feeling during and after the interaction; are you feeling heard and understood? Are you feeling listened to? Are you feeling a connection with the therapist, even after just 15 minutes? If you are feeling unsure after the consultation or would prefer to think about it before moving forward, don’t be afraid to speak up. Ask the therapist if you can follow-up in a few days, or if they can reach back out in a few days.
The First Session
Woo! We picked a therapist, and we are embarking on our first session. As a therapist, I always preface the first session by sharing that the session will look and feel quite different from future sessions; the first session is designated to complete an intake, and consists mostly of the therapist asking questions and you, the client, sharing your answers. Therapy should not typically feel like this question-and-answer scenario, but it is quite helpful to gain this background information before moving forward. Even still, let’s continue to assess this connection.
The first, second, or even tenth appointment does not mean you are handcuffed to your therapist. Continue to monitor how you feel and don’t stay with a therapist who may not be a good fit out of guilt or necessity.
During this initial intake session, or even during the second session, continue to ask yourself these questions:
- Does it feel like my therapist is taking a genuine interest in me and my problems?
- Does it feel like my therapist understands me, or is working towards understanding me?
- Do I feel accepted for who I am by my therapist?
- Do I feel comfortable sharing personal information with my therapist?
- Am I feeling like I can be open, honest, and transparent with my therapist?
Therapy can be hard, but rewarding, work. The essence of therapy is to have a safe space that is yours. You should come into therapy each week feeling like this is your time and your space. Seeking this high level of comfort with your therapist will only lend to creating this space for yourself.
Continued Therapy
Let’s touch on what to expect as the therapy process progress. Remember, the first, second, or even tenth appointment does not mean you are handcuffed to your therapist. Continue to monitor how you feel and don’t stay with a therapist who may not be a good fit out of guilt or necessity.
Therapy can look and feel different for everyone, and everyone comes into therapy with different goals in mind. But, there are a few blanket expectations that everyone engaged in therapy can look for;
- Expect a good fit with your therapist
- Expect a good partnership between you and your therapist
- Expect that therapy will not always feel pleasant
- Expect a safe place each and every week in therapy
Red Flags
It would be a disservice to not touch on what some red flags would look and feel like by a potential or current therapist. Therapists are educated and trained to uphold the highest standards of ethical, legal, and moral integrity, and you should expect nothing less in this therapeutic relationship. Here is what some red flags may look and feel like;
- You aren’t feeling confident that your information is being protected
- You may feel like your therapist is sharing information from your sessions with others
- You feel the therapist is disengaged during session and is not listening to you
- You feel your therapist is crossing your boundaries or if making you feel uncomfortable during your interactions
- You feel your therapist is distracted during session; checking their phone, answering e-mails, repeatedly asking the same questions
- Your therapist is talking more than you during session
- You are not feeling comfortable sharing things about yourself
- You are feeling that your therapist is dismissive towards your thoughts and feelings
- Your therapist tells you what to do and how you should be living your life
Therapy can be difficult, uncomfortable, and strange. Therapy can also bring about wonderful and positive changes and growth. Having a strong alliance and partnership with your therapist will only strengthen your time in therapy.
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