There are times…
When we question our relationship with a significant other. It might be a fleeting moment when we’re annoyed or frustrated. Or we may have been questioning the merits of our marriage for months or years. Everyone has their doubts at some point.
(Yes. Even those couples who appear completely happy and perfect on social media. Them too.)
Whether you’ve had times when you were upset with your partner for a few hours, or if you have struggled to resolve issues effectively for a long time, (and carry around that anger towards your spouse like a well-worn bag), there are ways to improve your relationship.
Right now.
What to do?
Try some of these strategies based on therapists and Psychology Today:
- Remember that EVERYONE has rough patches, and this could be just that
- Acknowledge that you want change because there is something worth saving
- Express your feelings without blaming the other person
It may be tough at first, but try to shift your language, even when you’re angry. Rather than lobbing out hurtful commentary, say what you’re feeling without judging. Say “I felt abandoned when you chose to be with friends instead of going to see my family, like we had originally planned,” instead of “You always disappoint me. My family didn’t expect you to show up. You never do. Our relationship problems are your fault.”
Repair conflicts that you can, and work to accept the ones you can’t
Every relationship has conflicts that won’t be resolved because they can’t be. Marriage experts say about 70% of disagreements won’t ever be resolved. Differences in personality, experiences, or preference mean that two people can’t come to the same conclusion. That’s okay. It’s about choosing what needs to be addressed, then working on the disagreements that need attention. Changing your perspective from “we’re fighting” to “we’re working on maintaining a relationship between two separate humans” can help.
Increase physical affection
Even if it feels awkward at first, affectionate physical touch is healthy and beneficial. Even if you don’t desire physical contact while sitting next to your spouse on the couch, try it anyway. Stop to hug in passing. Keep trying.
Use words of affirmation
Can you remember what made you fall in love with your partner? Focus on the qualities that you appreciate. Express your positive feelings towards your significant other, spoken or written, daily.
Communicate honestly
Say what it is you are feeling, thinking, and wishing for. Don’t hold in what’s bothering you. Allowing resentments to fester, trying to hide or “just forget” problems, doesn’t help either one of you. Remember to communicate without being purposefully hurtful.
Practice forgiveness
Forgiving someone else doesn’t mean that you are freeing them of wrongdoing. It means you are willing to accept they have done wrong, and then work to move on from that hurt. You are freeing yourself of continuing to carry this around constantly.
Focus on what YOU can change
It’s easy to focus on what our partner is doing wrong, especially if it’s gone unresolved for a long time. It’s more difficult to look where we need to make changes. Be honest with yourself and think about the ways you could make positive changes for the relationship. Can you immediately come up with a long list of complaints about your partner? Things you wish you could change? It’s probably more difficult to immediately come up with a list for yourself. Work at spotting places you can adjust your thinking and behavior towards your partner.
We tend to fall into patterns and can get stuck in unhelpful loops. If you’ve fallen into a pattern of anger, hurt, and unresolved issues in your relationship, there are ways to fix things. If you are the person either constantly asking for issues to be addressed, or the person running away from addressing those issues, (and want to stop that cycle), try these strategies instead!
Resources:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by Dr. John Gottman
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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