It’s painful and isolating to be apart from your family.
Family estrangement is a difficult thing to deal with.
Family estrangement is a separation within a family, often involving one or more members of the family choosing to withdraw from one another.
It often happens between adult children and their parents, but estrangements between parents also exist.
Reasons why..
INTRAFAMILY ISSUES – RESULTED FROM NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR FROM AN ESTRANGED FAMILY MEMBER OR AMONG THEM
- Abuse in childhood, including physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, abuse by siblings
- Serious neglect or insensitivities
- rigid, controlling or harsh parenting
- Distant parenting style
- Family conflict
- Existence or perception of parental favoritism
- Lying or manipulation
- Ambivalent about parent-child relationship
- Entitlement
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Alienation – child’s relationship with a parent is undermined or damaged by input from the alienating parent in intense marital conflicts
- Relationship between the child and the preferred parent
- Toxic behavior
- Difficulties in managing anger and disappointment
- Violation of crime, incarceration
INTERFAMILY ISSUES – ISSUES OUTSIDE OF THE FAMILY
- objectionable relationship
- physical distance
- influence from third party, such as a controlling or abusive spouse
How to move on after cutting toxic family members out of your life
Whether it is a parent that has left your life, an aunt, uncle, cousin or sibling.
Don’t be ashamed if you are in a position where you have had multiple members leave your family.
Typically, a toxic family member will skillfully manipulate others in the family by playing victim and try to control everyone with their emotions and responses, to make it feel like it’s everyone’s fault except their own.
This can lead to extreme depression for the ones that are involved, to anxiety, guilt, parental issues, and problems with trust, love and communication.
It is not easy to forgive or forget for that matter, especially if you are dealing with a parent that is absent in your life.
One person that I miss everyday and think of is my father.
He chose his second marriage over his children and his own mothers lives. She segregated him, trapped his love and made him forget the ones that matter the most. He was a very special person to me. I only have memories as a child that keeps me from letting go of the title “dad.”
When a parent refuses to take responsibility for the pain they have caused it can be devastating.
It can lead to the child to experience issues growing into a young adult and leading to adult trauma and issues with mental health as they get older. It can affect the way they look at relationships, feel and process pain and cherish bonds.
The failure to acknowledge and apologize is the reason most adult children of a toxic parent are unable to process the pain and move on, with that they bring the weight of their trauma into their adulthood life and relationships.
Here are a few tips for coping with being estranged from your family:
- Accept what happened and honor the hurt it has caused you.
- Do not blame yourself: Blaming yourself won’t do anything but make you feel bad about yourself and make the situation even less desirable.
- Do not take out your anger on other people: Taking out your anger on other people will add more stress to your life and lead to the same undesirable results as blaming yourself.
- Educate yourself: Education is key when it comes to understanding what is going on in difficult family situations such as estrangement. Take some time to think about what might be happening and find a way for this knowledge to help you cope with the situation and move on from it.
- Spend time outside of your comfort zone: Spend time with people who can help you cope with the problematic situation. You will find that spending time outside of your comfort zone can help you deal with estrangement from family members.
- Most importantly: surround yourself with love and make sure to talk about your feelings with people you trust. Doing this will allow you to keep stress away and help you cope with difficult situations.
How to fix
Fixing family estrangement is possible if both sides are open to reconciliation and willing to confront the deeper reasons behind the alienation, altercations and pain they have caused with being absent in one another’s life. Because shame, anger, guilt may arise, it is best to have a mediator or to seek counseling services. Do not feel bad if you want to keep the toxicity out of your life, remember you are stronger than what anyone has portrayed you to be. You survived without them in your life thus far. You have conquered life lessons, grew a family, gained titles of recognition and are a beautiful human.
This post was written by Lauren K., and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
Live in New York and want to learn more about working with us? Check us out here!
Check out more content like this here.
