Ever get a crappy apology?
Scrolling through social media I found an excellent meme by Introvert Doodles on “crappy” apologies and what “real” apologies include. I’m going to expand on that here.
Have you been on the receiving end of an apology that didn’t really feel like, “I’m sorry?”
Do people seem unreceptive to your apologies, and you want to do better?
Do you require your kids, staff, friends or family to apologize, even when they aren’t ready to do so?
I can help!
These are insincere apologies:
“I was just kidding!”
“I’m sorry YOU feel upset by this.”
“I wish that didn’t happen.”
“I’m sorry. But YOU should have…”
“I’m sorry” followed by the same behavior over and over.
Real-world examples;
I hear my kids use these kinds of “apologies” when I require they say “sorry” after hurting their sibling.
Me: Alex, go say you are sorry to Brynn for hitting her with your toy.
Alex: I don’t want to!
Me: You have to say you are sorry. Go.
Alex: Brynn, I’m sorry I hit you. But YOU tried to take MY toy away from me FIRST!
*a new argument begins between them
What to do?
In this situation, I’ve found that requiring the kids to apologize is very rarely effective or helpful. If I wait for my child to be ready, then they’re genuine in their apology and ready to take ownership of what they’ve done wrong. Even if my son isn’t ready to say he’s sorry (because he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong) he CAN recognize and verbalize how the other person was hurt.
Me: I know you aren’t ready to say you’re sorry, but let’s go and talk to Brynn. Alex, do you know what happened to Brynn?
Alex: I got mad and threw my toy at her.
Me: Where did it hit her?
Alex: In the head.
Me: Do you think that hurt?
Alex: Yes.
Me: How do you know it hurt her?
Alex: She was crying.
Me: Brynn, Alex sees that throwing his toy hurt you. How are you now? How can we help?
Having Brynn’s pain recognized is helpful. I can choose how to address the behavior of toy throwing with consequences separately from the conversation between the kids.
This is the first element of a better apology:
Acknowledge the other person’s pain
Don’t forget about responsibility
Another element is taking responsibility. Have you had someone apologize to you, only to attach a “but” afterwards?
“I’m sorry I borrowed money and can’t pay you back. But I’m in a tough spot right now. I don’t think you know what it’s like living paycheck to paycheck.”
Rather than focusing on what they have done wrong, this person is focusing on why the wrong isn’t so bad, because they have a decent excuse for it.
Instead, saying:
“I’m sorry I borrowed money and can’t pay you back. I want to make it right. Not paying you back puts a burden on you.”
This reflects:
Taking ownership of the damage that has been caused
Where to start..
An apology is a good place to start, especially when it focuses on what the person has done wrong, acknowledges the pain caused, and takes ownership of damage without using excuses.
Repeated apologies for the same issue begin to lose value. If you say, “I’m sorry I took your car without asking. I should have checked with you first. I didn’t mean for you to be late for work.” And then do the same thing and say the same thing every week for several weeks, the apology isn’t going to mean much anymore.
The last element is:
Commitment to rectify harmful behavior
While you can’t force anyone else to apologize differently to you, you can adjust how you apologize, and model how to say you’re sorry like you mean it.
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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