It’s Okay to Say “No”
The holidays are coming.
For most of us, that means family gatherings. You might be coming up to these festivities with joy, stress, or a combination of both.
The holidays are stressful, and we’re already in stressful times.
Do you dread the coming holidays? Do you worry about you or your immediate family getting sick? Do you feel overwhelmed about family or friend get-togethers? Do you have toxic family members that drain you or make you uncomfortable?
Guess what?
It’s OKAY to say “No.”
“Are you coming to your grandmother’s holiday party?”
“Are you hosting this year?”
“You’re invited to the neighbor’s annual soiree!”
“Do you want to celebrate with….”
“Can you….”
“Shouldn’t we….”
The answer to all, (or some of) these can be “No.”
You don’t have to participate in all the things. REALLY!
I promise, it will be okay.
Personally, I have a grandmother that I love dearly. Her goal is to keep all of her eight children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren together. She wants all humans related to her to attend all parties at all times.
In the past, I used to feel guilty when I wasn’t able to attend a birthday party, (even when I was made aware the night before!) or was unable to make it to a holiday party, even when it was because of work or illness.
I no longer feel guilty. I make my grandmother aware of the reason why I can’t attend by telling her myself. She may be disappointed, but those are her feelings to feel, not mine. Then I make an effort to see her outside of the event.
Even if the reason not to attend is, “I don’t feel like it,” you are still completely justified in staying away.
Do parties make you anxious?
Do you feel worse when you leave?
You have a right to say “No.”
And “No” is a full and complete answer.
You are not obligated to go into detail about why you are unable or uninterested in attending if you don’t choose to attend.
The people that respect you will respect your choice.
It’s taken me a very long time to learn how to set and stick to boundaries with family and friends. I had to learn how to honor what makes me comfortable. It’s a balancing act: Visiting with family I want to see when it also involves visiting family that I’d rather not interact with. Coming from a very large family, it’s common to have family members I adore AND family members that rub me the wrong way.
So, what do I do when I feel it’s the right choice to attend, but don’t know how long I want to stay? Or I decide to participate in the festivities, but I don’t want to get stuck there all day?
Make a plan in advance!
I (or my husband) park our car where it won’t be blocked in. Then we won’t have to ask others to move their vehicles and explain to several people why we are leaving.
We go early. Getting there early means we don’t feel guilty about leaving early. When family is starting to get loud, or has imbibed too much, or someone is bringing up history that is unnecessary to bring up at a holiday party, we can excuse ourselves. “We got here early, so we’ve already been here quite a while. Sorry we didn’t get to see you as long. Hopefully next time!” I get more personal time with my grandmother without all the raucousness.
I say I’m not feeling well. “My head is hurting, so we’re going to leave.” I never feel guilty about saying I’m not feeling well if I, or one of my immediate family members, is overwhelmed, tired, uncomfortable, or truly not feeling well and wants to leave.
Listen to your internal voice. Honor what you believe you are mentally, physically, and emotionally capable of this holiday season. Don’t push yourself to do all the things. If you need help creating boundaries, honoring your needs and wishes, and trusting that you know what’s best for you, there is help. Write out what you think you want. Make pro/con lists. Talk with someone you trust not to judge your decisions.
Personally, working with a therapist helped me to find the confidence and voice I needed. I trust myself to make the best decisions for me and my family.
I learned to say “No” and not feel guilty.
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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