Want to Feel in Control? Grab a Hula-Hoop!
Remembering what I AM and AM NOT in control of can be tricky.
At times, SUPER tricky.
I’m supposed to control my kids, right?
I can control how this event I planned turns out, right?
I can’t seem to control how I respond to that jerk at work who keeps making gross jokes. But who could, right?
No. You can’t control your kids. No. You can’t control how the event turns out. Yes. You can control how you respond to the jerk with the gross jokes, (although it might be difficult, and you may need to pull HR into the situation).
When I’m having trouble remembering where my control begins and ends, I imagine a hoola-hoop. (If you’re not able to imagine, because not everyone has the ability to conjure up pictures in their head on demand, go ahead and grab an actual hoola-hoop if that helps you. Or extend your arms out at your sides, spin in a circle, and see how far out your fingertips touch in the space around you).
Voila! This is where your control begins and ends.
You have control over how you act and react. Your control extends to the space around you that you can reach.
But what about texting or emailing? Talking on the phone? Those kinds of communication travel further than just my body, right?
Sure, they do. But again, you have control over how you act and react. If you choose to send an incredibly cruel text to a friend, or make a phone call and berate your mother, that is your choice. You don’t have control over how that other person reacts to you. That is in the other person’s control. The fallout you may receive are the natural consequences of your actions.
The same goes for our children, pets, students, parents, etc. We can’t control how they act.
I’d like to think I can control my kids sometimes, but that’s not one of my superpowers.
If you’re a parent, or have witnessed a parent in this situation, you understand:
Parent struggles with a toddler in line at the grocery store. The child is screaming, back arching, trying to get away from the parent. “Please, Katie, just take a deep breath. You’re hurting our ears. What do you need? No. I said you can’t have the candy right now. We have to pay for it. Okay, fine, have the candy. Now stop crying. Please. STOP. YELLING.”
No matter what the parent does, no peace offering, no pleading, no gentle voice or stern voice will calm the child in full-on meltdown mode. And the parent is most likely embarrassed and exhausted and thinking they are doing something wrong.
How could the parent have controlled the child’s behavior? They can’t. Maybe the child was hungry, or tired, or overstimulated by the grocery store, and next time the parent will choose to go after their child has eaten and napped. Or go alone if possible. Or talk about boundaries when their child is old enough to understand. “Kate, if you can’t control your screaming at the grocery store, we won’t be able to go into the store for a month. Instead, we’ll pick up our groceries outside and stay out of the store. Let’s go look at the calendar. I’ll show you what one month looks like.”
We can’t control how our pets behave, but we can and should train them. We aren’t controlling their behavior. Instead, we are assisting and encouraging our pet to change theirs.
It might be scary to acknowledge that we’re not in control of how things turn out. You can do your best to plan that party, and hopefully it goes well, but you can’t control your extended family’s embarrassing behavior. Instead, you can make a choice to avoid potential embarrassment by not inviting family members that cause problems.
It might feel counterintuitive to accept that as a parent, you don’t control your child’s behavior.
You can plan in advance, meet their needs, and discuss expectations.
Ultimately, it’s your child who chooses how to behave. You may make a rule, “You are not allowed to hit your brother.” But you can’t control the outcome of this.
You can control your boundaries. “If you hit your brother, you won’t be allowed to play with him in his room.” And then follow through with the consequences.
Once you get the hang of where your control lies, it can be incredibly freeing.
I hope you feel the freedom of releasing yourself from the (impossible) responsibility of controlling how other people feel, act, and react.
This post was written by Jessica Flood, MSW, and published by Convenient Counseling Services.
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