Narcissistic Abuse at Work: When a Boss or Coworker Has You Doubting Your Own Performance

NARCISSISTIC ABUSE

Written by Alicia Murray.

Maybe you sit in a meeting and hear your idea presented as someone else’s, and when you bring it up afterward, you are told you must be remembering it wrong. Maybe your manager praises you in front of the team on Monday and tears apart the same project on Wednesday. Maybe you now reread every email three or four times before you hit send, just in case.

And somewhere along the way, the question in your head may have shifted. It used to be “why is this person treating me like this?” Now it sounds more like “am I actually bad at my job?”

As a therapist in New York State, I hear about workplaces like this often. Here is what narcissistic abuse at work can look like, why it can shake your confidence so deeply, what you can do about it, and when therapy can help.

What Narcissistic Abuse at Work Can Look Like

Taking credit for your work. Your ideas, your late nights and your results show up in someone else’s update to leadership, with your name nowhere on it.

Gaslighting about what was said. Instructions change after the fact, and you are told they were always this way. A conversation you clearly remember gets described as something that never happened.

Moving goalposts. Every time you meet an expectation, a new one appears. Nothing is ever quite enough, and the target seems to shift whenever you get close.

Charm in public, criticism in private. The person may be warm and funny around leadership or clients, and cold, cutting or dismissive with you one-on-one. That split can make it very hard to explain what is happening to anyone else.

Blame that always lands on you. When something goes wrong, the story somehow ends with your mistake, even when the decision was theirs.

Controlling information. You get left off emails, out of meetings, or out of the loop on changes, and then get criticized for not knowing.

A Word About the Label

No one can diagnose a coworker from the outside. “Narcissistic” is a word people use for a pattern of self-centered, controlling and manipulative behavior. Whether your boss would meet the criteria for a diagnosis is unknowable from where you sit. What you can look at clearly is the impact on you.

The pattern is what counts. One bad day, one harsh comment, or one stressful deadline is part of working with people. A steady pattern of credit-taking, distortion and blame is something different, and it is worth taking seriously.

It can come from anywhere in the org chart. A boss has the most power to do harm, and a peer, a direct report or even a long-term client can follow this same pattern.

Naming it can bring relief. Many people tell me that simply having words for what is happening helps them stop blaming themselves for all of it.

When It May Be Something Else

A demanding manager with clear expectations. A boss who has high standards, gives consistent feedback, and tells you the same thing in private that they say in public may be tough to work for. That can still be a fair workplace.

Conflict that gets resolved. When disagreements can be talked through, and the other person can admit when they were wrong, that points to an ordinary working relationship with friction in it.

A company in a hard season. Layoffs, reorganizations and budget cuts can make everyone short-tempered for a while. Stress like that tends to affect the whole team, and it usually eases when the season does.

Your own stress coloring things. When you are exhausted or anxious, neutral comments can land harder than they were meant. Therapy can help you sort out which parts are the workplace and which parts are the weight you are carrying into it.

Why You Start Doubting Your Performance

The feedback is inconsistent. When praise and criticism come for the same work, it becomes impossible to know where you stand. Many people respond by assuming the problem must be them.

Your memory gets questioned. Being told again and again that you misunderstood, misheard or misremembered slowly wears down your trust in your own mind.

There is a power imbalance. When this person controls your schedule, your reviews or your next promotion, pushing back can feel risky, so it often feels safer to swallow it and try harder.

Other people go along with it. If coworkers stay quiet or even side with the person, it can feel like you are the only one who sees it, which makes self-doubt grow.

You care about doing a good job. Conscientious, hardworking people tend to look at themselves first when something goes wrong. That is a strength, and in a workplace like this one, it can get turned against you.

What It Can Do to You

Dread before the workweek starts. Sunday nights can get heavy, and your stomach can tighten at the sight of their name in your inbox.

Constant scanning of their mood. You may find yourself watching their tone, their face and their messages for signs of what kind of day it will be.

Overworking to stay safe. Extra hours, extra checking, extra proof. It can feel like the only way to avoid the next round of criticism.

Sleep and body changes. Trouble falling asleep, replaying conversations at night, headaches, or tension that sits in your shoulders all day can all show up with ongoing stress like this.

Bringing it home. Partners, friends and family may notice you are more irritable, more distracted, or talking about work far more than you used to.

The Questions People Ask Me Most

“Am I being too sensitive?” Sensitivity is often how people explain away something that really is hurting them. If a pattern keeps showing up and keeps affecting you, it is worth looking at honestly, without deciding ahead of time that you are the problem.

“Should I go to HR?” That depends on your workplace, your role and what has happened. HR, an employee assistance program if your job has one, or an employment attorney can explain your options. Therapy is a place to think through what feels right and safe for you.

“Why do I still want their approval?” People in power over us have a big pull, especially when their praise comes and goes. Wanting approval from someone who keeps withholding it is a very human reaction.

“Should I just quit?” Sometimes leaving is the healthiest choice, and sometimes it is not possible right now because of money, benefits or timing. Either way, you deserve support while you figure it out.

“Will this follow me to my next job?” The self-doubt can linger for a while, even after you leave. Working through it in therapy can help you walk into your next role trusting yourself again.

What You Can Control

Your own record. You can keep notes on dates, conversations and decisions, following your workplace’s policies about what is kept where.

Following up in writing. A short recap email after a conversation (“Just confirming that we agreed on…”) can protect you when instructions change later.

Your proof of good work. Saving thank-you notes, positive feedback and finished projects in one place gives you something solid to return to on the days you doubt yourself.

Who you talk to. You can choose a few trusted people, inside or outside of work, who know what is going on and can tell you when something sounds off.

What You Can’t Control

How this person behaves. You can respond differently, and you still cannot make them stop taking credit or twisting conversations.

Whether they change. Some people never do. Waiting for an apology or a turnaround can keep you stuck, hoping for something that may not come.

How everyone else sees them. Some coworkers and leaders may really like this person. Their opinion has no bearing on what you experienced.

What leadership decides. You can report, document and advocate for yourself, and the outcome may still be out of your hands. That can be painful, and it is worth grieving.

What Therapy Can Do About This

We rebuild trust in your own judgment. We look at what actually happened, side by side with what you were told happened, until your own perspective feels steady again.

We separate real feedback from distortion. Everyone has things to grow in at work. Therapy can help you take in useful feedback and set down the parts that were never fair.

We work on the anxiety it left behind. That might mean tools for calming your body before a meeting, or ways to stop replaying conversations at midnight.

We think through your options. Staying, reporting, transferring or leaving all come with tradeoffs, and we look at them together without rushing you toward one.

We look at older patterns when it helps. Sometimes a boss like this feels painfully familiar, maybe from a parent, a past partner or an earlier job. Noticing that can explain why this one hit so hard.

Signs It May Be Time to Reach Out

You no longer trust your own memory. You find yourself recording things or rereading old messages to prove to yourself what happened.

Work stress is spilling into the rest of your life. It is affecting your sleep, your relationships or your health.

You have started to believe you are bad at what you do. Especially if that belief showed up around the same time as this job or this person.

You feel stuck. Leaving, staying and speaking up all feel impossible, and you need help sorting through it.

You are having thoughts of hurting yourself. Please call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, at any hour, and reach out for support right away.

What I Tell People in Therapy

I tell people that their confusion makes sense. When the story keeps changing, anyone would start to wonder about themselves. That wondering is a reaction to the pattern.

I remind people that a job is one part of their life. It can feel like everything when you are in it, and you get to be a whole person outside of that building or that inbox.

I ask people to keep their own evidence. It is just for you, so you have something solid to come back to when the doubt gets loud.

And I tell people they get to decide what comes next. Staying for now is a valid choice, and so is leaving. Either way, we can work on protecting your confidence while you get there.

How Therapy at Convenient Counseling Services Can Help

We support adults dealing with toxic workplaces. At Convenient Counseling Services, our therapists work with adults recovering from narcissistic abuse, including the kind that happens at work, by telehealth across New York State.

Sessions fit around a working life. Meeting virtually means you can talk from your car on a lunch break or from home at the end of the day (wherever you have some privacy).

The goal is getting your footing back. Together, we can help you trust your judgment again, manage the stress, and make decisions about your work that feel like your own.

About Convenient Counseling Services

We have a team of dedicated therapists who have a variety of specialties and availability. Providing telehealth virtually across New York State, our team of therapists are ready to meet you where you are at and walk alongside you in your therapy journey.

If a boss or coworker has you doubting yourself, you do not have to sort it out alone. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.