Grief and the Holidays: Getting Through the First Season After a Loss
GRIEF
The decorations are going up, the calendar is filling, and someone is missing from every picture you can imagine. Maybe it is the empty chair at the table, the recipe nobody else knows how to make, or the phone call that always came on the same day each year.
The holidays can magnify grief. The world seems to say that it is the most wonderful time of the year, while your heart is somewhere else entirely. If this is your first season after a loss, or if it is a later one and the ache has returned, you are not doing it wrong.
As a therapist in New York State, I work with grief constantly, and the weeks from fall into the new year are some of the hardest for many people. Here are some thoughts on how to move through it with a little more gentleness.
Why the Holidays Hit So Hard
Traditions carry memory. Sights, smells, songs and rituals are tied to the people who shared them.
Absence is more visible. Gatherings make it clear who is not there.
Expectations are high. There is pressure to feel festive, grateful, or cheerful.
Everyone else seems okay. Seeing others celebrate can deepen the sense of being alone.
Dates stir up anniversaries. Birthdays, last holidays together, or the day of the loss can fall near the season.
Family dynamics shift. Roles and routines change when someone is gone, and not everyone grieves the same way.
Energy runs low. Grief is tiring, and the season asks a lot.
What You Might Feel
Sadness and longing. Waves that may arrive in the middle of ordinary moments.
Dread. Anticipating the season can feel worse than the days themselves.
Anger. At the loss, at others, at the cheerfulness around you.
Guilt. For enjoying a moment, or for not feeling enough.
Numbness. A flat feeling that comes as protection.
Relief when it is over. Some people feel relieved on the other side of a hard day.
A mixture of everything. Often within one afternoon.
All of these are normal grief responses.
Ways to Approach the Season
There is no right way to do the holidays after a loss. Here are some options to consider, and you can choose what fits.
Decide what to keep, change or skip. You are allowed to keep every tradition, change some, or take a year off from them. Nothing has to be decided forever.
Plan for the hardest moments. If you know a certain day or event will be tough, think ahead about where you want to be, who you want with you, and how you can leave if you need to.
Make room for the person. Light a candle, set out a photo, tell a story at dinner, cook their dish, or donate in their name. Many people find that including the person helps.
Tell people what you need. Friends and family often do not know what to say. “I would like to talk about her” or “I need a quiet day” gives them a way to help.
Set limits. You can say no to events, shorten visits, or have your own transportation so you can step away.
Keep the basics going. Eat, drink water, move around, and rest as much as you can.
Let yourself feel good moments. Laughing does not betray anyone. Joy and grief can sit next to each other.
Expect the unexpected. Waves may hit without warning. Having a plan, even a simple one like stepping outside for air, helps.
The Questions You’re Probably Asking Yourself
“Should I try to keep things the same for the kids or family?”
Consider what traditions bring comfort and what feels like too much. Children often do well with a mix of familiar routines and open acknowledgment that someone is missed.
“What if I cry in front of everyone?”
Tears are a natural response. You may find that others feel relieved to have permission to feel, too.
“What if I don’t feel anything?”
Numbness is common and often protective. It may shift on its own time.
“Is it okay to skip the holidays altogether?”
Yes. Taking care of yourself is a valid choice. If you decide to opt out, you might arrange a small, quiet alternative.
“Why is it harder in later years than in the first?”
Grief can change shape, and early on shock can cushion things. Some people feel it more strongly later, once the numbness fades.
How to Support Someone Else Who Is Grieving
Say the name. Mentioning the person is often a gift.
Offer something specific. “Can I bring dinner Thursday?” is easier to say yes to than “Let me know if you need anything.”
Do not rush them. Skip the pressure to feel better or look on the bright side.
Invite without insisting. Let them know they are welcome, and that it’s okay to say no.
Check in after the holidays. Support often fades just when the quiet sets in.
Signs You May Want More Support
Grief is stopping you from basic functioning. Eating, sleeping or caring for yourself feels out of reach.
You feel hopeless. Or you have thoughts of not wanting to be here.
You are using alcohol or other substances to cope.
You cannot connect to anyone. And feel deeply alone.
Guilt is overwhelming. Thoughts about what you could have done differently won’t let up.
If you ever have thoughts of harming yourself, please call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, at any hour.
What I Tell People in Therapy
I tell people that you do not have to get through the holidays perfectly. You only have to get through them in a way that is kind to you.
I also say that grief at this time of year is a measure of love. The ache is large because the connection was.
And I remind people that you do not have to carry it alone. Having one safe place to say what is really true makes the whole season feel a little lighter.
How Therapy at Convenient Counseling Services Can Help
At Convenient Counseling Services, we offer grief counseling for adults and teens 15 and up, delivered by telehealth across New York State. You can meet with us from home, when the season feels like too much to leave the house. Together we will honor your loss, plan for the hard days, and find ways to carry your love forward.
About Convenient Counseling Services
We have a team of dedicated therapists who have a variety of specialties and availability. Providing telehealth virtually across New York State, our team of therapists are ready to meet you where you are at and walk alongside you in your therapy journey.
If this season feels heavy, you do not have to face it by yourself. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.
